Hey y’all!

For my returning readers, I see you! To my new readers, I’m so glad you chose to stop by!

Let’s stroll down memory lane…

You remember when you were a kid, and your parent told you to do something, but you didn’t want to but knew if you questioned, said no, or talked back you’d be knocked into the middle of next week?

If you’re part of the melanated multitude, you know exactly what I’m talking about. In my generation, as a child, you were supposed to be seen not heard. You do what you’re told and if you had a problem with it, you already knew it was “because I said so” that you had to do it.

This is a generational pattern; I don’t like calling it a curse. Quick history callout: your great grandparents and grandparents probably endured being enslaved, grew up during Jim Crow or the Civil Rights movement. That means they learned you don’t question “massa” or it’s your behind. Unfortunately, that was passed down generation to generation.

Being beaten was how they were disciplined so they did what they knew. Was it right, nope, but you can understand the reasoning behind it. It was learned behavior.

Argue with your mama, but some kids need they behind popped every now and then because some of these kids are unruly. Continuing on…

In all seriousness, there are affects to being physically disciplined. It made me feel that it wasn’t safe to communicate freely or openly. Communication with my grandparents/parents growing up wasn’t really a two-way street.

Now, to be honest, I tested the waters way more than I should. I was rebellious and shutting up just wasn’t my style, especially when I didn’t understand why I was being told to do or not do something. I was inquisitive and needed to know and understand.

My Uncle Jeff and I were talking, and he asked why does this (Gen Z) generation do things for attention, receive negative attention, become depressed, and then get upset or unalive themselves?

I’m a Millennial, so I can’t answer that. What I can say is it’s not just them; they are just more open. Social media has become a platform for any and everything.

My assumption is they don’t know how or what to say, internalize problems, and/or their family doesn’t give them the attention they deserve and require.

When you feel alone, many times all attention is good attention. I’m guessing for some, acting out is the only way they get noticed. It’s sad honestly. I’ve spoken with teens, and I hear a lot that no one cares. They don’t have a safe space to communicate and it’s too late when the people they are trying to communicate with finally realize that.

Communication is a fundamental life skill and many of us from all generations haven’t been taught how to communicate properly. We do what we’ve been shown.

I told my uncle, what works for y’all (his generation) doesn’t work for us. The saying “Pray about it” or “You’ll be fine” isn’t what we need. Yes, we pray and most times we know we’re going to be fine but it’s not what we need to hear in that moment. We need compassion and reassurance. Most of all, we need to be heard.

Adults and children alike are facing demons that no one knows about. We all need someone to be a listening ear, without passing judgement, and giving unsolicited advice. I’ve learned sometimes people aren’t looking for you to fix the problem. They’re looking for a safe space to share.

In the black community, it’s not as common for children, teens, young adults to be able to voice their truth. Especially when the truth is an elder is wrong. The common practice is for the child to grin and bear it. Times are changing though; we are going to therapy and talking out our issues and holding our elders accountable. Can I just say I love that for us!!

Elders, I admonish you not to get in your feelings and throw around “I’m the adult/parent.” We know that; but you’re also a flawed human. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay to admit when you’re wrong. Truth be told, you’d gain a lot more respect and trust from your children if you held yourself accountable and listened without being defensive.

There’s context and process in communication. Listening to hear the unspoken words will tell you a lot more. (Part 2 is coming on the different aspects of communication).

The point of the matter is children that can’t communicate become adults that can’t communicate. If our children aren’t willing or don’t feel safe to talk to us, we are doing something WRONG! How you communicate affects every type of relationship you’re in.

As elders, we need to listen to our children. They have it rough out here! What we experienced growing up is not what they are experiencing. The devil is busy, people are mean, and the world is dangerous! We need to protect and help them navigate the troubles of this world. We have to listen; not to be right or to prove them wrong. We have to listen with compassion, empathy, and understanding.

One of my friends shared that her and her son have a notebook. When there’s something he wants to talk about but doesn’t want to verbalize it, he writes it in the notebook, and she responds in the notebook. LISTEN that blew my mind! Do you know what that could have done for so many of us growing up? I commend her for creating that safe space for him and her.

When we are not comfortable articulating our dislikes, likes, needs, wants, desires, feelings, etc., it leads to bitterness and resentment because we have unmet needs. It’s no one’s fault, but it is a reality that many of us are living in today.

Communication can be hard; both hearing it and saying it. However, it starts at home. We have to unlearn the bad behaviors around communication we are accustomed to. Not letting someone speak, dismissing what they’re saying, listening to respond, cutting someone off, or shutting someone up. It’s not healthy and it’s detrimental to our community. Children are straying far away from home, parents don’t know what’s going on with their children, people are killing each other over things that could have been resolved had they known how to communicate.

Let’s do better! Let’s be open to hearing constructive criticism, allowing our children to tell us when we’ve hurt them or did something they don’t like. Let’s be curious instead of defensive. Let’s lead by example. If you don’t have an example, I’m more than willing to have a conversation with you and help you get started.

Let’s start by having a conversation!

Healing is a journey; you decide where you want to go.

I love 🤟 y’all!

~Dee