Hey y’all!!

For my returning readers, I see you! To my new readers, I’m so glad you chose to stop by!

Grief is a result of trauma. Losing a loved one, being hurt, life experiences all constitute as a traumatic event; we just don’t label it that way or even recognize it as trauma.

Grief and trauma are not unfamiliar to me. If I’m being honest, my encounter with them has been way too intimate and frequent.

2022 was the most challenging year of my life. It felt like grief and trauma were bruh man from the 5th floor; showing up in my life uninvited like I owed something! I lost my great aunt, my cousin, and my grandmother, all within 3 months. Not only did I lose them, but I had to let go of people who I thought were ride or die. 2022 WAS GHETTO!

When my grandmother died, I went to God as only one of his hell-ish children would. “Aye bruh, I don’t know what you got goin’ on but you on some other ish! I think you got the wrong Khadijah. I’ve begged, I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, I followed most of the rules, and this is how you do? This is too much!” I was BIG mad!

Funeral after funeral, loss after loss, I was exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I began to see who was really on my team when I started leaning on them. Some of the people I leaned on let me fall.

We laid my grandmother to rest and that same day some of my relationships died. People who I thought I could count on, abandoned me. Some of them are the very people I went to war for.

I remember talking to Dr. C, my therapist, and saying “People ain’t shit! People who swore they would be there for me weren’t.”

Dr. C: “People will do what they know how to do. Do you remember when you said you wanted a sign if certain people were supposed to be in your life? Maybe this was the sign.”

Me: “Girl not right now, you right but just not right now!”

Dr. C: “That’s why I’m your therapist, not your friend.”

Life was a blur for months after my grandma passed. Sarah (Shock, Anger, Rejection, Acceptance, Hope) introduced herself and moved in. There were days I would just cry, days I was mad, days I stared at the wall, days I just couldn’t do anything.

Sarah is like that nagging ex that just won’t go away. You know, the one that sends the “Hey bighead, I miss you” text right before their birthday, a holiday, or when they see you doing you on social media. Grief is a process. It doesn’t go away overnight. It takes years and even then, it does a surprise visit.

Me and Sarah’s bond was tight through anger. We were close friends. Anybody could get it, any place and any time. I resented the people I called friend who didn’t support me, the doctors, the oxygen, the fact they died. I was angry because I didn’t want to deal with the reality of how I really felt.

Being angry took its toll on me. My anger didn’t change anything, they were still gone. I hurt people who were closest to me and who truly wanted to help because I wasn’t controlling my anger, it was controlling me. The bible says, be angry and sin not. The problem was I was sinning. I took my anger out on anyone and anything and didn’t care; until I realized being angry wasn’t doing me or anybody else any good.

Thinking back to when they were transitioning, each one of them had made peace with it. They each gave reassurance and knowing them like I do, they wanted me and the family to make peace with it as well.

Slowly, anger turned into acceptance. I began to accept reality and adjusted to life without them. Well, I’m still adjusting because it still doesn’t seem real. It’s hard as hell! I don’t like it, it doesn’t feel good, but I’m doing it.

God is so thoughtful that he gave us memory. He will use the present to remind us of the past. I can hear a song, the wind can blow just right, I can smell something, and it triggers a fond memory. Sometimes I just know they’re around because I feel good in my soul.

In their own twisted way, grief and trauma provide gifts. Gifts of acceptance, appreciation, choices, and hope.

I heard someone say, grief is the form love takes when someone we love dies. I’d take it even further to say it’s the form love takes when we disconnect from someone we love or loved.

I remember reading Matthew, when the teacher wanted to follow Jesus but asked to bury his father first. Jesus responded, “let the dead bury the dead.” My initial thought, dang Jesus that’s ruthless! He can’t bury his father first? Then it made it sense, at least to me. Life continues even when your loved one passes. You honor them with your life, you don’t stop living it.

Get acquainted with Sarah (Shock, Anger, Resentment, Acceptance, Hope). Death doesn’t have to be present for y’all to meet. Life changes, disappointment, and experiences will lure her. She’s multifaceted and not all bad.

Well tears are falling, so it’s time for me to bring this one to a close. Love on your family and friends. Don’t miss an opportunity to show and tell them how much they mean to you. Life is short and tomorrow is not promised.

I miss you Aunt Resa, Diamond, and Grandma. Keep smiling on us. I know y’all having a time up there! Kiss the family for me❤️.

Healing is a journey; you decide where you want to go.

I love 🤟y’all.

~Dee