First off, daddy, if you’re reading this, I apologize for anything written that may come as a surprise or rub you the wrong way. This is our story from MY POINT OF VIEW. I love you!

With that out the way, Hey y’all!

For my returning readers, I see you! To my new readers, I’m so glad you chose to stop by!

If you read my first blog, Welcome to my life, you know one of the reasons for starting therapy had to do with my daddy issues.

My father and I didn’t have the best relationship. When I was a kid, he did what I called “drive-bys” in my life. Sometimes he would show up but more often than not he wouldn’t. The part that really pissed me off was he was present for his step-kids while I’m sitting at my front door asking my mama is “daddy coming to get me today?” As a little girl, I remember waiting for him, only to realize he wasn’t coming.

I remember the day resentment set in.

Girl…what happened???

Chile… long story short, I had a 16th birthday party, it was LIT okay! Chick, one of his relatives, wasn’t invited but decided to show up anyway and had the audacity to bring a plus 1! Out of the goodness and kindness of my heart I allowed them to stay. Not 10 mins later, my party, the party of the year, is being shut down because she decided she wanted to start some mess! Me, 48 hot!

Okay…but what does that have to do with your dad?

Slow ya roll I’m getting there!

Following the party, I get a phone call from my dad, not to say happy birthday, nah, he calls about the lie the chick (his relative) told and to fuss me out!

Yyyyeeessss chile…that’s how resentment set in. My heart was broken, and I vowed never to speak to him again. All I kept thinking was why didn’t he wish me happy birthday? Why was he fussing me out, hell it was my party! What did I do, was something wrong with me, why wasn’t I good enough? From that day to a couple years ago that weighed on me. I held a grudge, and I had no intention of letting it go!

Daddy if you’re still reading, keep reading I’m getting to the good part.

Fast forward to 2020, I’m maybe 3 or 4 months into therapy, and Dr. C, goes “I want you to say to me everything you want to say to your sperm donor.” Referring to him as dad, daddy, father, or any other parental term at that time was a NO MA’AM.

Me: “You want me to do what now?”

Dr. C: “Pretend I’m your sperm donor and say whatever it is you need to get off your chest.”

Me: “Ma’am we gone be here for a while and I’m ’bout to say some things that’s real ugly. I don’t think this is gone work.”

Dr. C: “Let’s see what happens.”

Deep breath – I begin to confess all the anger, disappointment, hurt, pain, and resentment. I vividly remember bursting into tears. I mean I was red eyes, snot nose, ugly crying. My body was shaking, my chest was tight. The little girl inside me told her story for the first time. She was finally heard and seen. She expressed how it felt to live a life without her father. She expressed how gut wrenching and heartbreaking it was to know he was doing for someone else what he wasn’t doing for her. To be honest, I didn’t know I was holding all of that. After I spoke it out and let it go, the weight lifted.

Dr. C’s words: “You have to name it to tame it. You have to share it to bear it!”

The saying never say never is dead on because Christmas Day 2020, I reached out to my father.

Girl, how the hell you do that? You vowed to never speak to him again.

Yeah, I know what I said, but I said it out of trauma. I said it in fear. Reaching out to him was my last step to truly forgiving him and setting myself free. I reached out with no expectation. I reached out because it was in my heart and regardless of if or what his response was, I was going to be okay. When I released the attachment to the hurt, I was open to the idea of creating a relationship with him.

Whew chile…so how is y’all relationship now?

Our relationship is growing. It amazes me how much I am like my father. It still shocks me when I say it but I’m truly a daddy’s girl.

Building our relationship has been challenging but fun. It forces me to communicate and stop withholding how I feel because of the fear I may be abandoned or rejected again. There are times where I have to remind him that I’m an adult and he has to remind me that I’m still his baby girl.

We’re creating memories. That’s the best part of the whole thing! I now have stories about things WE did TOGETHER!

Spending Father’s Day together; old man hurt himself bowling lol. He was sore for almost a week. First time going to Top Golf, man hit the ball out the net. That was not what you were supposed to do sir! My 30th birthday, he showed up clean as a Mississippi pimp in the middle of May. We upgraded my pantry together! Two bull-headed, impatient, stubborn people (we’re Taurus), telling each other how to do something…oh the fun! I’m trying to think of something else we can build because I have a newfound love for power tools!

Had I not let the hurt of the past go, none of these memories would have been created.

The lesson learned is your parents are human! Before they were your parents, they were adults having their own experiences, dealing with their own traumas. Did they handle every situation the right way? Absolutely not. BUT who they are now may be because of the lessons they learned from who they were then.

Everyone deserves grace and a chance to at least tell their side of the story.

Healing is a journey; you decide where you want to go.

I love y’all! 🤟

~Dee