Hey y’all!!
For my returning readers, I see you! To my new readers, I’m so glad you chose to stop by!
Welcome to part 2 of the Real Love, Real talk series. Today, we’re talking about familial love.
Part 2: It Be Your Own Family
Y’all remember in part 1 when I said, you love yourself based on how people love you? Your first encounter with love starts with your family.
That encounter can be negative or positive. What that experience shapes is our expectation and perception of love. You could have a lot of love, some love, or no love at all and that influences and impacts how you give and receive love.
Is it love… or loyalty wrapped in guilt?
When it comes to black families and love, some of us have it rough. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that blood is thicker than water and that no matter what — family over everything.
Love should not be confusing, harmful, hurtful, or transactional. Love should be affectionate, clear, intentional, nurturing, and safe. Especially with the people you share a bloodline with but for many of us, all we know is struggle love.
In black families, we are taught that regardless of how they act, how they treat you, and despite what they do you have to love them without boundaries or correction. Guess what…? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
The black family love dynamic is complex and deeply rooted in how the black family structure existed during slavery. We had to be hard, tough, and show little emotion out of fear we would lose each other. Yes, we loved deeply but we never learned how to love or be loved safely. So while there is deep love, there are also deep wounds that we’ve yet to heal.
The Way They Loved Me Made Me… and Broke Me Too
Your parents or caregivers are your first lovers. From the time you’re born, how your parents love you affects you mentally. If you lacked love, you’re prone to low self-esteem, attachment issues, emotional dysregulation, and subject to increased anxiety and depression. Yeah – it’s that serious!
Parental relationships can be the most complex to navigate. As children, we desire, expect, and look for our parents to love us unconditionally. For some of us, that unconditional love is a fantasy.
Some of our parents chose absence as their love language but never considered that language was foreign to their children.
Mom and dad – this is my truth; sorry if it hurts.
The only love I knew from my parents was transactional. I had to do something to feel love from them. Here’s the thing; what I got from them was never love. It was their presence. Something that I should of never had to ask for.
I was never my parents first choice; there was always someone or something that took precedence over me. For my mom, it was a man. For my dad, it was his pride, his disdain for my maternal family, or his stubbornness.
Imagine being a child and you are so excited to see your mom/dad because you know it won’t be long before they’re gone again. Can you say anxious attachment?
Depending on their experience of love you can have nourishing, conditional, overbearing, or absence of love. It’s not your fault, you’re just on the receiving end of what they learned or didn’t.
As you mature, and learn what love looks like for you, how your parents love you may not be acceptable. That’s okay. The hard part is releasing the expectation that they can love you how you need or want to be loved. It’s not easy by any means but it’s doable.
You can appreciate who they are, meet them where they are, and choose what level of access they have to you to maintain your peace and avoid triggers.
Guilt Trips & Family Scripts
How many times have you heard “Well, they still family.”
The thought that because y’all are related is exemption from having to treat you with respect is outrageous. However, it’s the unspoken rule in the melanated multitude community.
It’s the idea of “family over everything” and respect without question. It’s unhealthy, unrealistic, and impacts how we implement boundaries and engage in other relationships.
The part I hate most is the guilt trip. “If you really loved me, you’ll do this for me.” Man listen, I see why Terri (Soul Food) got fed up and crashed out. Using manipulation to get what you want is narcissistic behavior and just plain wrong.
I remind myself of these principles when it comes to guilt tripping:
- If I want to help, I will. It’s not a requirement that I must.
- Access to me is a privilege not a right.
- I don’t and won’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for me!
As we heal and break the generational cycle by setting limits with our kinfolk it comes with grief and guilt. When you change how you give and show up for people, there’s going to be a reaction, and most times it’s adverse. It’s tough to navigate. You grieve what you thought the relationship could and should be. You feel guilty that you don’t want to engage how you used to or at all. However, if it’s going to save you frustration, heartache, pain and give you peace; DO IT ANYWAY! You are not responsible for someone else’s emotions or reactions.
Boundaries Are Not Betrayals
When I was younger, I remember we used to always go to my Nana’s house for the holidays. As I got older, I hated it. I had to put on this facade that I liked everybody there and we were all one big happy family. That was so far from the truth!
Some of my family has a bad habit of accepting any and everybody. Fresh off the press girlfriends, girl says this is cousin so and so baby, cray cray from down the way, it don’t take much for you to be welcomed in. Me – where did all these people come from? I don’t know these people! We not gone ask questions? We just gone let this ish ride?
I remember the first time I decided I wasn’t going over there. Not because I didn’t love Nana but I hated having to pretend. I didn’t want to deal with the unnecessary drama. Furthermore, I hated how her love was abused and taken for granted. These extra folks weren’t there to help her cook, clean, pay for the meal they were about to partake in. No, they were there to take what they could and give nothing in return. Not even a sorry ass thank you!
I chose to distance myself from harmful family dynamics. Did it hurt? Yes, but I decided that my peace was more important and that for me was enough.
They Meant Well, But That Wasn’t Love
Truth be told, many of us were raised on survival, not love. Generations before us, all they knew was survival. Working for Massa, the only thing you truly had to hold onto was family. Families stuck together out of obligation, loyalty, and oxymoronically safety.
This idea that you endure any and everything at the hands of family is partially due to epigenetics. The effects of trauma can be passed down and affects how our DNA responds. I’m no geneticist, therapist, or scientist so that’s the extent of my knowledge but go do your own research, it’s quite interesting.
Healing is a gift and a curse. It makes you question what you’ve been taught all your life.
I’ll speak for myself, I’ve been been taught that love is sacrificial, you have to love your family because they’re all you got, regardless if they’re wrong you have to do right by them, and loyalty above all.
Yeah, nah! To some extent those things are true but the missing piece is reciprocity. Family should be the blueprint to healthy, loving relationships but because of bloodline connection there are entitlements that are assumed and not earned.
Now that we know better, we do better. Here’s what I unlearned:
- Family comes before everything.
- I matter! Love shouldn’t cost my peace, health, or finances.
- Love is proven through sacrifice and suffering.
- Love shouldn’t feel like I’m losing myself to save you.
- That’s just how they are.
- If I can do better so can you! Normalizing dysfunction keeps the cycle going.
- You owe your parents/family everything.
- Respect is earned. PERIOD!
- You can’t choose your family.
- You may not choose who you’re born to, but you can choose who gets access to you!
Love can evolve. On your journey to healing you may discover that you have to redefine roles or relationships. That’s okay. You love them and yourself enough to do that.
Unlearning something isn’t rejection, it’s reclamation. You are rebuilding love on your own terms, with your own boundaries, and setting an example for the next generation. As my therapist says: “You’re doing the hard work!”
Family Ain’t My First Home – I Am!
My grandma used to say, “Family ain’t a trip, they’re a journey!” She told no lies!
Family starts our journey defining, experiencing, giving, and receiving love but it doesn’t stop there. As healing adults we get to redefine love for ourselves.
Real, genuine love, allows for growth, boundaries, and change. It can happen even within family, with willing participants. Unfortunately, for our Baby Boomers and Gen X generations they aren’t the most easy to convince or change. However, with grace and time they can come around. Even if they don’t, you have the autonomy to change their role or the relationship to fit your needs.
At the end of the day, I still love my people. I carry their stories, their sacrifices, and their lessons, even the ones I had to unlearn. But I’ve learned that real love doesn’t require me to lose myself in the process. Setting boundaries, protecting my peace, and choosing healing doesn’t make me disloyal, it makes me whole. Because family ain’t my first home — I am. And if I can’t be safe, seen, and supported in my own skin first, I’ll never show up right for anybody else. Loving them is important. But loving me? That’s non-negotiable.
Healing is a journey; you choose where you want to go.
I love y’all🤟🏽
Life B Life'n 