Hey y’all!!

For my returning readers, I see you! To my new readers, I’m so glad you chose to stop by!

I remember saying “I can’t wait until I’m grown!” Now I’m saying, Lord if only I could be a child again. No responsibilities, no worries. I hate I rushed the ‘good ole’ days’.

Being an adult is ghetto!

As part of my responsibilities as an adult, I choose to take care of my mental health. With that choice, I set boundaries and change how I approach relationships.

The hardest relationships to set boundaries in are with my parents. Yes, the people who gave me life. The ones who I love dearly and see clearly. It’s hard but SO necessary.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

At the ripe old age of 32, I am fully aware that being an adult child comes with its own set of problems. As an adult, you can RESPECTFULLY disagree, have your own opinion, and say no. Does that mean it’s not going to be met with some resistance? Absolutely not!

Parents still believe that you are the child, and they brought you in this world and they can take you out! There is some truth to that. They did bring you in this world, but they can’t control how you function in it.

Let’s call a spade a spade, the root cause for the majority of strained parent/child relationships is lingering emotional scars from our upbringing.

As children we are innocent bystanders in our parents’ pain. Before we came Earth side, they were people with their own trauma. If they didn’t address their trauma, we, their children, were/are impacted, be it directly or indirectly.

As we begin our journey and, for some of us, start to unpack the emotional scars of our childhood, the relationship with our parentals gets rocky. Let’s be honest, some melanated multitude parents aren’t fond of being held accountable or told when they’re wrong. Especially, not from their baby.

Parents sometimes don’t like to accept the fact that their baby grew up. They can’t seem to grasp the idea that because we’ve grown up, we don’t have to accept their bad behavior.

This gets touchy! There is an unsaid, unrealistic, expectation that because your parents are your parents, you have to accept them the way they are. They can say what they want, do what they want, and regardless of if it’s right or wrong it should be okay.

When I left your house, I left your baggage and toxic ways with you! What I need from you though is to tell the truth and help me understand why you made the decisions you made.

Let’s be clear: just because I understand why you did it doesn’t mean what you did is right. It simply means I can empathize with you.

Parents, please stop trying to justify your bad behavior before you acknowledge your child’s experience. Here’s where some of y’all go wrong. The child had the experience, stop denying it like it never happened or downplaying it like it wasn’t that serious! Apparently, it was if it’s being brought up.

Secondly, stop blaming others for the decisions YOU made. If you didn’t show up, then that was your choice. Nobody forced you to make that decision, it wasn’t impressed upon you that you had to. It was something you felt was best for you. You can’t make that decision and then say, oh well, they kept me from you.

Was this before or after the many times you had your child waiting at the door for you and you never showed up? Did this occur while your child witnessed you show up for her brother, your stepchildren, nieces, and nephews and called you out on it?

My bad y’all! I had a flashback. That’s a real-life example of how lack of accountability happens prefaced by blame.

Children, we have to do some work as well. We have to accept that our parents may not be or ever become who we need them to be. We have to let go of the expectations we have of them.

I envisioned my relationship with my parents to be intimate and open. I imagined being able to disclose all my deepest darkest secrets and knowing they would always be there to support me. I thought I would always be my parents first choice.

Each and every one of those desires are not met. My mother and I are close, but not that close. I can’t tell her everything. There are just some truths she can’t handle.

For most, if not all of my childhood, I was never either one of my parents first choice. It was always someone or something that took precedence over me. Hurt like hell, but it is what it is.

Changing the narrative, reparenting myself, and unlearning behaviors and negative thoughts allowed me to meet my parents where they are.

This is where some of my elders and old school saints are going to condemn and disagree and that’s YOUR problem, take it up with Jesus, I even had to go as far as accepting that a relationship with my parents isn’t required.

Yep, it’s true. I can love you dearly, deeply, and not be connected to you.

Yes saints, the good book says “Honor your father and mother that your days may be long…” I agree. Sometimes honor is disconnection. Disconnection doesn’t have to be finite. It can mean you don’t engage until you learn how to not react, not take things personally, and not feel responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs.

The truth of the matter is that we are the best and worst of our parents. What they have in them we have in us. The great part about it, we learn two very important lessons from them: what to do and what not to do.

Dr. C always says, “People do what they know how to do.” What they know how to do may be the best they can do, and the hurtful truth is, their best may not be good enough.

How can you say that if it’s their best?

If you knew better, you’d do better!

Many of our parents know better, because we tell them. They choose not to change. I swear it’s a Gen X thing. They are stuck in their ways. Because it’s the way their parents did it that means it must be right. WRONG!

We can’t change them. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

Navigating parental relationship is hard. It’s learning how to be present, understanding, and honoring your boundaries. That looks different for everyone.

For me, that meant disconnecting. Toxic is toxic. I knew that if I continuously engaged in that relationship, I was dishonoring myself and all my hard work was going to waste.

I don’t love him any less, but I am not willing to sacrifice my peace for the sake of relationship.

Your parents aren’t perfect; they’re flawed humans, just like you. The hard part is seeing them as humans while knowing their role in your life.

I’ll leave you with this: you are only as good as the chances you take and the changes you make.

Don’t shy away from the tough conversations. Ask the questions, express how you feel, and when met with opposition and resistance, know when to let go. It’s not about right or wrong, but accountability and capacity to forgive and move on.

Parents, hear your children with an open mind. Accept that you did some things wrong and acknowledge how your decisions impacted your child/ren. Apologize with changed behavior.

Children, express yourself respectfully. Appreciate that your parents did the best they could with what they had. Give them the opportunity to show you different.

Together, love each other. Continue to hold each other accountable and have the tough conversations because there will be times when you all disagree. Practice makes improvement. Everyday practice communication, forgiveness, setting boundaries, and understanding.

Healing is a journey; you choose where you want to go.

I love y’all 🤟