Hey y’all!!

For my returning readers, I see you! To my new readers, I’m so glad you chose to stop by!

You are worth it! You deserve all your heart desires. You are a child of the most high God! You are the head and not the tail, you are above and not beneath. You are worthy of a life full of abundance, joy, love, and peace! You are worth it!

I remember the first time I spoke that out loud. It was uncomfortable and unnatural. I said those words trying to convince myself they were true.

Us women can be hard on ourselves. We get focused on losing weight, having flat stomachs, big behinds, no waist, an IG relationship, and getting the bag. Sis if that’s what you want for you, go do it! If you’re doing it for any other reason, it’s a NO ma’am! As the late Cicely Tyson said, “…you are more than your hips and your thighs.”

Men, y’all do it too. In the gym, getting big, latest fashion, looking the part, trying to get the IG model girl, spending money, sometimes money you don’t have but I digress. Bruh, if that’s how you livin’, do you! Do it because YOU want to, not because you’re trying to impress a chick that can’t give what she requires.

Over the years, value has equated to materialistic superficiality. It’s no longer about character, integrity, or morals. People have adopted the mentality that you’re worth something if you have something of worth.

Life is full of unexpected, unsolicited, gut-wrenching lessons. My first one was realizing that everyone ain’t your friend.

In high school, when I started driving to school everybody wanted to be my friend. Now that I look back on it, I was a free taxi service. When I started asking for gas money and saying no, people caught an attitude or got ghost.

That experience led me to ask myself some hard questions and begin to look at my connections from a different perspective. Did I do anything with the information at the time? ABSOLUTELY not!

Why not?

I was in my junior year of high school. It wasn’t the time to be losing friends.

Chile…I know, hindsight is 20/20! I endured a lot of unnecessary heartache and pain because I was a people pleaser. I cared more about what people thought of me and their happiness than what I thought of myself and my happiness. BUT…the story doesn’t end here; keep reading!

To make a long story short, there were many times in my life where I allowed people to abuse, betray, belittle, demean, and use me. Whether it was family, friends, and/or that man. I allowed things that I shouldn’t have.

When I started therapy, I realized a lot of what I allowed was because of what I experienced in my childhood. It sounds obvious, but until somebody else said it, it was counterintuitive.

It didn’t occur to me I performed to receive affection, attention, and love. As a child, the expectation is your guardian or parents freely shower you with affection, attention, love, support, and validation. That doesn’t always occur. Life is happening for them as well. Intentionally or not, sometimes they don’t have the ability, bandwidth, capacity, or space. Does that make it okay? No. Is it your fault? Absolutely not, but it does result in you getting those things by other means. As you get older, you continue to rely on those actions to get a similar response in other relationships.

It wasn’t until my late 20s when I began to look at myself and say I’m worth more. I stopped accepting the bare minimum and required more of others to have access to me.

The process was simple but not easy. I had to tell hard truths and realize in this process I was gonna lose some folks. Being met with that reality came with grieving and still choosing to do the hard things for MY happiness.

The first step to knowing my worth was boosting my self-esteem. Listen, low self-esteem in black women is way too common and I don’t like that!

There’s an expectation that black women be everything to everybody. It’s a NO MA’AM! Once we take on that role and “fail” then we start beating ourselves up and allowing the opinions and perspectives of others to influence how we see ourselves. STOP THAT!

I had to get to the point where I said, it’s not what I have it’s who I am that makes me valuable. I had to tell myself that I was good enough in all areas and sing my own affirmation song. I practiced positive self-reinforcement.

The second step was saying no. I had a bad habit of saying yes regardless of if I wanted to or not. I had to figure out why I was saying yes. It boiled down to people expected me to and I didn’t want to let anyone down or make anyone upset. Dr. C said, “If it doesn’t make you happy and it’s not something you need to do, why do it?” Straight read me, as she often does. It made sense though. I was burnt out and did things to make others happy and totally left my happiness out of the equation.

The first time you say no, it’s hard; for me at least. Guilt sets in, you want to go back and say yes. However, the more you say it, the easier it gets. Saying no establishes boundaries and helps you determine where people stand with you. If you say no and they get distant and don’t show understanding, it’s not you they value.

The third step was to stop accepting the bare minimum. There are some things that are or should be expected when you’re in connection. Compassion, decency, empathy, kindness, respect, etc.

Friend, I know we don’t want to talk about it but let’s just put it out there. Just because Bobby Joe sends you a good morning text message, tells you how beautiful you are, and sends the typical “Wyd” text does not mean he’s the one.

Let’s be clear, you are worth the “Be ready by 7, we’re going to dinner. Can’t wait to see you and hear about your day ❤️” text message and the confirmation phone call at 5:30.

To my fellas, if girlfriend ain’t asking you if you ate, how your day was, validating you, and finding ways to bring you peace, she’s the weakest link!

Everyone deserves more than mediocrity. If that’s all they can give you, they ain’t the one for you and that’s okay.

The fourth step was self-care. Self-care has become a buzz word and so cliché but it’s a necessity. Ensuring you are good emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually is a fundamental aspect of living a fulfilled life. It’s not just getting your hair and nails done, getting a massage, and taking yourself on dates. Those are great but have you drunk your water? Ate your fruits and vegetables? Practiced gratitude? Have you gone outside hugged a tree (reference for my sister circle 😂) and took a walk? Get in tune with you and what you’re feeling. As Dr. C says, “Go home.”

Home is where you find comfort and peace. It’s where you experience yourself as a human being. There’s nothing to do, you just be. Home is where you pause and replenish. You cultivate a sense of appreciation for the present moment and your place within it.

If nobody told you or if you haven’t told yourself, you are valuable. By nurturing your well-being, you affirm your self-worth and empower yourself to live your best life.

Your worth is not contingent upon external validation or the acceptance of others. It’s inherent, and it’s immeasurable. Testing out the steps to knowing your worth is about recognizing your intrinsic value and unique contributions you bring to the world. Never dim your light for the sake of someone else’s glow. These practices are not just acts of self-love; they are statements to those around you that you know your worth, and you expect it to be recognized. Baby, hold your head up high, strut your stuff, and show the world the strength and dignity that comes from knowing, without a doubt, that you, my dear, are worthy.

Healing is a journey; you decide where you want to go.

I love y’all 🤟

~Dee