Hey y’all!!

For my returning readers, I see you! To my new readers, I’m so glad you chose to stop by!

Welp… I’m just gone jump on out there and say it; some family members are toxic. I know we love our family, but let’s call a spade a spade. Some of them jokers are a problem.

Being raised in a black family, you often hear blood is thicker than water. As a child, I believed it. I looked out for my cousins, respected my elders, and even though I was uncomfortable, I went around the grown folks I didn’t too much care for, because they were family.

As I got older, I let go of that creed. When people who are your family degrade, demean, embarrass, and use you, they no longer get the privilege of being treated like family.

I’m sure you heard the saying “it be on your own family.” It’s absolutely true. Many times, it’s the ones closest to you that hurt you the most. They know your innermost secrets. They know how you give, how you move, and how you love. Sometimes they’ll take your kindness for weakness and use it against you to benefit them. Oh, family can be a trip!

Dee, what do you do when you know they’re toxic, but you still love them?

The God in me says love them anyway AND do these three things; bring awareness, set boundaries, and change their access.

Expressing how you feel should not be met with disregard or invalidation, but many times it does. Auntie Maya Angelou said, “They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” Some people don’t understand the impact of what they do and say be it positive or negative. With that being said, it doesn’t mean you don’t tell your truth.

It’s hard to love someone, tell them they’re hurting you, and they skate right past the accountability exit. Instead, they make excuses or may be even blame you. My favorite line, you’re being too sensitive. The other one is I didn’t mean it like that. Well, good intention with a bad approach often leads to a poor result.

If they aren’t hearing what you’re saying, don’t respect you enough to acknowledge what they did and change their behavior; you have to change your interaction with them by taking the second step.

Setting boundaries is simple but it’s not easy. When you’ve had a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship with someone for a long time it’s hard to change. When you threaten someone’s benefit or comfort, it’s gone cause them to react. 9 times out of 10, it will be negative. They will blame you, say you’re acting funny, have a tantrum, and anything else they can think of to move the relationship back to where it was. My therapist calls it homeostasis.

As a recovering people pleaser, this one was tough. I had to say no, hang up the phone, not pick up the phone, end conversations, not go around certain family because I felt disrespected and drained. I was pouring everything out and getting nothing poured in. Now that I’ve gotten the hang of it, boy, don’t play with me!

You said no AND DID!!

Some people won’t respect your boundaries. They will test and try you. I’m quick with try Jesus don’t try me!

When you learn that someone’s connection with you, especially your kinfolk, is based primarily on how your resources benefit them, it hurts like hell. I had to accept the fact some people love what you can do for them more than they love you. However, YOU have the power to change all that. Everyone shouldn’t get unlimited access to you!

The concept of changing or revoking access to family is relatively new. When my grandma, maybe even my mama was growing up, family stuck together. You didn’t break the family structure. Now let me be clear, I am not saying cut off your family just because. I’m saying if they are hurting you or compromising your peace and they aren’t trying to do better; you may have to be more extreme.

Dr. C gave me the idea to give people a package, like when you get cable. You have the basic package, the premium package, and the deluxe package. Everyone can’t afford the premium or deluxe package.

There’s a cost associated with the effort, energy, and time you give. If their “payment”, or reciprocity, doesn’t cover the bill, you’re going to have to change their package or turn off service. Whew…I’m preaching today!

None of these things are easy to do. It’s hard to believe the people who raised you, the ones you grew up with and held with such high regard would be the ones you’d have to pull or walk away from. It hurts, but you have to make a choice, it’s them or me. I promise you, choosing you is always the right choice.

Healing is a journey; you decide where you want to go.

I love🤟 y’all!

~Dee